"Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life: Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships. Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are. Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament. Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways. Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control. When deeply understood and applied, these five simple concepts—what Richo calls the five A's—form the basis of mature love. They help us to move away from judgment, fear, and blame to a position of openness, compassion, and realism about life and relationships. By giving and receiving these five A's, relationships become deeper and more meaningful, and they become a ground for personal transformation.
As a psychologist, I KNEW the influence my childhood had had on my relationship choices - the men I chose to be with and the things I chose to do once in the relationship itself. After a final disaster, I had vowed to just be a happy single - and then I found a relationship that is so precious and spiritual that I wanted to do whatever I could to not just preserve it, but nurture it to grow deeper and more powerful.
I went in search of a book that would help me be an adult in my relationship. Almost laughingly, I sought something that would combine my Catholic faith, the tenets of Buddhism that I use in practice and my personal life, and the Jungian philosophies my partner and I both embrace and discuss endlessly. Never, in a thousand years, I thought, would I find a book that would fit all of those bills.
I was delighted to find that in David Richo's book, I found it all. And not just explanations - those I had in abundance - but practical ideas for how to move through and move past old and new hurts, how truly to GIVE in this relationship. My partner and I read from this book at least weekly, and the exercises within help us both think about what we do, why we do it, and how to do it differently.
Dr. Richo's style is positive, normalizing, free of jargon and babble, spiritual, and very, very helpful. THANK YOU, Dr. Richo, for writing this wonderful book. The others are on my shopping list.
I'm echoing some of what others have written, but I think this book was very helpful in my own development from an over-40 single woman to now a very happily married 50-year-old woman. I am also a marriage family therapist and keep this in my office. I have recommended it to some clients, particularly ones struggling with figuring out the boundaries in relationships and between people. I know there's more to just that in the book, but I think this is one of the most helpful aspects that clients have resonated with (and told me about).
I have studied zen buddhism off and on for years and many of the ideas found in that philosophy are encapsulated for a western audience in this book. Although I suggest mindfulness and/or meditation to certain clients, too, sometimes it's easier to read about it in a book like this than to take the leap and just arrive at a meditation center for the first time.
Of course I have some clients who probably wouldn't do well with a book like this and I wouldn't suggest it to them - either they just don't read much or at all, or it would be something to hit their partner over the head with. I once had a client who proclaimed during a couples session that his/her partner just wasn't providing the Five A's and that was why he/she needed to dump them, which was news to the partner! Since then, I've learned to suss out where a client's motivation might lie, because anything "good" can be mis-used and made "bad".
Overall, though, this is a book I definitely recommend and even buy for friends and loved ones. It's one of the best on relationships, for those who can keep the focus on themselves and be honest about their relationships.
I liked this book so much that I bought a bunch of copies and gave them out to friends. What higher praise can I give than that? It would be a better world if everyone read it and took it to heart.
I saw the reviews that criticized the book for being wordy and over the heads of regular people. Well, I guess people that need something super easy to read have a lot of other books out there that serve them. For me personally, this book gave a higher and more satisfying level of information than was available elsewhere. I found the writing to be quite simple and straightforward, and did not encounter a single word that I didn't know. The ideas that were presented within these simple words, however, were big. I did not encounter the usual frustration that I find with books that are so focused on faddish, simplistic theories that they just aren't helpful. Many books out there seem to frame everything through the lens of some specific trendy disorder, addiction, or whatever, failing to grasp the larger picture. This one is more universal in its appeal. I might have liked it even better if it were a little more challenging, but I see that you can't please everyone.
